What would we do without more BLONDES?

BLONDES: This is your first and only warning. If you are Blonde, stop reading and return to your previous activities...

...For everyone else, have fun...

Since I received soooo much feedback from the last blonde blog, I thought I would finish it off...

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?

A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q:Where do blondes meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What do you call four blondes in a volkswagon?

A: Far-From-Thinkin

Q: Why don't they let blondes swim in the ocean?

A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What is the irritating part of a blondes vagina?

A1: The blonde!

A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: spot.

Q: What's a blondes favorite rock group?

A: Air Supply.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?

A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A: Perri-Air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?

A: They can't keep their calves together.

Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going throough a flashing red light.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?

A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, whats hard and long?

A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?

A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refridgerator?

A: A refridgerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Did you hear abotu the blonde couple that were found frozento death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

A: They went to see "Closed For The Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"

A: The pig says, "I won her at a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A1: Locking the car door.

A2: A padded headboard.

BLONDES: This is your first and only warning. If you are Blonde, stop reading and return to your previous activities...

...For everyone else, have fun...

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?

A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N...ah, um,, oh well...I'm blonde. I'm blonde, yeah,yeah,yeah..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: from crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in the back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Neither could blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get hearing aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde car thief steal a cop car?

A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?

A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A1: "Thanks Guys."   

A2: "Are you guys in the same band?"

A3: "Do you guys play for the Green Bay Packers?"

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ears.

Q: What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?

A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blondes and spahetti have in common?

A: They both wiggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blonde's belly button sore?

A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?

A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?

A: Two brunettes.

Q: Why did the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: because on the box it said from 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&M's.

Q: Why does it work?

A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potatoe chip?

A: Free-To-Lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blonde,brunette,blonde,brunette,...?

A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: what is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlight?

A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?

A: She blew it both times.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?

A: There's lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?

A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?

A: Because every time the door opened, she would jump into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around home?

A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A: A blonde parade.

....OOOOOOhh, yes I do have more, but you have to let me know you want more???????????

I am very sorry ahead of time if I offend anybody, I don't mean too.

Here are 10 very cool valentines day cards that you'll never see printed. When you just want to say "I love you, now blow me"

#1:  I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best is getting you drunk.

#2:  Our love will never become cold and hollow unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

#3:  I bought this Valentine's card at the store in hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

#4:  This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

#5:  You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class; Especially when I'm spanking your big roun-fat a**.

#6:  Before I met you my heart was so famished, but now I'm fullfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!

#7:  Through all the things that come to pass. Our love has grown...but so's your a**.

#8:  You're a honey and you're a cutie. I just wished you had J-Lo's booty.

#9:  I don't wanna be sappy, silly or corny. So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny.

#10: If you think that hickey looks like a blister...You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

(I'm not sure how long this is going to be up) 

AQUARIUS - (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18); You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. you lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a "F**king Jerk".

PISCES - (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20); You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their nose alot.

ARIES - (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19); You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a "Prick".

TAURUS - (Apr. 20 - may 20); You are practical and persistent. You haved dogged determination and work like "hell". Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.

GEMINI - (May 21 - June 20); You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are "bisexual". However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a "mean bastard". Gemini's are notorious for thriving on "Incest".

CANCER - (June 21 - July 22); You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a chit.

LEO - (July 23 - Aug. 22); You consider yourself a "born leader". Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors alot.

VIRGO - (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22); you are the logical type and hate disorder. This chit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA - (Sept. 23- Oct. 22); You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores and all Libra's die of venereal diseases.

SCORPIO - (Oct 23 - Nov. 21); You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-b**ch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS - (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21); You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting f**ked.

CAPRICORN - (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19); You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenchit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. 

Hello; I feel the need to warn the citizens of CBS. For some reason I've notice a rise in the number of idiots walking amungst us. I'm not sure if it just affecting the area I'm in or if there should be wide spread panic. Something needs to be done. I'll give you some examples of what I'm noticing;

#1 Walmart  Store Clerk Idiot; I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the reciept. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. (Good thing for me they matched!!!!!)

#2  Neighborhood Idiot; I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them crossing there anymore.

#3 Taco Bell Fast Food Clerk Idiot; My daughter went into a local Taco Bell fast food establishment and ordered a taco. She asked the clerk behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." he said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

#4 Airport Idiots; I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He just nodded his head and smiled with a blank look on his face.

I've also noticed that I work with quite a few idots;

#5 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

#6 At a good bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing", our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

#7 I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

They are everywhere. I don't know what to do.

#8 Auto Dealer Idiot; When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey", I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know, I already got that side."

If you have any suggestions on what to do, let me know...........

Welcome back, open your brain, ingest the world of totally useless knowledge...

...If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on an average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

I know the list was small this time...

See ya...........

Welcome everyone, I can only guess that you need a refuel on your useless chit knowledge...

David Prowes was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. he spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jonesuntil he saw the screening of the movie.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring seperate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of disel that it burns.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB,NBA,NHL,NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are all ready married.

There are an average of 178 sesame seed on a McDonalds Big Mac Bun.

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not down.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

90% of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994 was 49.8 years. The average age of the Rolling Stones was 50.6.

Elephants are the only mammal that can't jump.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped; Celery, Coffee, Cola, Apple, and Chocolate.

According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.

Internationally, Baywtch is the most popular TV show in History.

Ok guys and gals, that should last you for a few days...

Here is some totally useless information that might come in handy for some of you;

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." Uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications)

In every episode of 'Seinfeld" there is a Superman somewhere.

The Average life-span of a major league baseball is 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The San Francisco Cable Cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is - Uncopyrightable.

'Hang On Sloopy' is the official rock song of OHIO.

Did you know thatbthere are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "Amercican Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

When opossums are playing 'possum, they're not "playing". They actually pass out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinksover an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each King in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history;

Spades  - King David

Clubs - Alexander The Great

Hearts - Charlemagne

Diamonds - Julius Ceasar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Only two people signed the Declaration Of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole nine yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole nine yards."

Hersey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Thank you for reading, I hope these are useful to someone.

More to come.............